Sacred Plant

At first I saw little snippets of illuminated images floating past in the dark. Then suddenly there was what appeared as a small white movie screen with a loud buzzing like that of swarms of flies and bees emanating from an elongated brown horizontal strip suspended in the top left corner. The rest of the screen was filled with unclear images in faded red cloth with Chinese like designs on it in gold and shades of white. The screen was snowy like bad reception on an old TV.

Very quickly I was pulled through this screen as though it were a portal. On the other side I looked into an incredible vastness filled with brilliant fountains of ever morphing images coming out of a central source that I can best describe as a red elliptical like bowl or basket that continued on from below what I could see.

These morphing fountains each had a subject matter and an infinite number of manifestations came out of each of them: the most stunning and intricate architecture, cathedrals and palaces; the richest and most decorative and colourful textiles; the most beautiful and divine works of art; the most sumptuous and gorgeous fruits; vegetables and foods; the most lush vegetation; the most superb music; all possible scientific discoveries; the most brilliant mathematics; all knowledge; all historical events; all of the animals and birds and fish; rural landscapes and mountains; everything that has ever evolved from anything, has been or ever could be. Everything was so very real and at the same time there was this sense that it was not really significant – like Lao Tzu’s 10,000 things. It was so beautiful but it was still only manifestations – not the true essence of life which belonged to something larger – to consciousness.

It was an incredibly vast spectacle in which everything was always moving and changing, an infinite variety of evolving forms yet without any sense of chaos. It was somehow all interconnected and choreographed but not by anything external. There was an inherent intelligence to it all. The colours of everything were of the richest, most brilliant, vivid and saturated hues. The quality and texture of everything was utterly perfect. The detail and perfection of it was exquisite and cannot be overstated or adequately described. It seemed to go on forever – hours and hours - but not long enough. I was keenly aware of never wanting it to end. I felt mesmerized, fascinated and full of awe.

Then as suddenly as it had started the buzzing stopped and at the same instant I felt like I blasted off straight up into the universe through different fields of patterns and shapes, some with bright and some with subdued colour schemes.

I then began to re-experience or visit, kind of like Scrooge in “A Christmas Carol,” a long series of different events from my life. The overarching colour of these scenes was in blue and turquoise light. I remember very little from this stage other than a couple of specific scenarios. I do remember feeling strongly that God was there with me, that I felt completely accepted and loved. There was no feeling of being judged or evaluated at all. As we went through the scenes I saw the value of each of these experiences and the learnings I and others who were involved had acquired from them. I deeply understood and accepted that all of these things that had occurred were necessary to our learning. God also pointed out ways in which I still need to grow. There was no sense of “fault” for myself or anyone else. It just had to be how it had to be. Everything is and will be all right. I felt a deep sense of gratitude for the learnings and felt completely understood and validated.

One of these scenarios that I do remember somewhat clearly involved the rape of XXXXX. During this scene I re-experienced her homecoming and the difficult months following when nothing I could do seemed to comfort her. I fully felt her grief and anger and I felt overwhelmingly sad for her. I felt that for the first time I completely understood just how devastating this experience had been for her and it left me with a deeper understanding of and appreciation for her and the difficulties she had later.

There were also some extremely happy experiences during this phase and I relived being a baby that was just learning to go up on my hands and knees. I was in my crib and raised my head and looked around the room. I felt totally joyful and content and very excited about life and wanted to crawl a step. The sense of purity, newness, aliveness, perfection and intense wonder is beyond description.

Throughout this experience I felt very tender and vulnerable yet completely safe and exquisitely serene and happy. I felt full of love and fully loved. I remember that God spoke to me but I can’t remember what God said. What a shame. I do remember that I understood it completely at the time and that if made me very happy.

Different sages and other people and animals arose in the distance and floated up until I couldn’t see them any more. One of these was St. Francis. He was standing on a small solid plane or piece of rock. He was filled with light and smiled and waved very enthusiastically at me as he went by.

Through countless universes filled with planets and stars. Then suddenly I found myself floating in space in a realm that was utterly peaceful, serene and holy. Again the vastness was indescribable only more so. It was utterly quiet except for a low very melodic, pulsing and soothing “Ohm” that was as much felt as heard. I felt completely at one with this universe. There was an incredible sense of aliveness, awareness, sacredness and deep joy. The universe was a deep indigo colour. In the very distant horizon soft yellow, orange and red light emanated like a sunrise or sunset. The air moved gently around me and felt deliciously cool on my face and arms. Again it seemed that this experience lasted many hours and again I had an intense desire for it never to end. I felt that I was finally at home and I wanted to stay always.

Once I started to experience less of the effects of the Ibogaine I still had a lot of thoughts and imagery that came and went and what felt like “realizations.” One of these was a deep awareness of how limited language is in communicating insights, higher order concepts, feelings and even experiences that we have. I was acutely conscious of how we have assigned much greater value to “words” than they deserve. So often we accept man made labels to be an accurate representation of what in reality they only point to very inadequately. I believe I said “A cupboard is not a word” in trying to describe this to one of the staff while I was still experiencing some of the later effects of the Ibogaine.

Thoughts about the Experience

I have thought about how I was propelled through these various experiences. There was never any sense of an entity pulling me. It felt as though there was a melding with a greater knowing – an inevitability about the phases of the journey.